Evangelical Hypocrisy Is Fun

Don't ask me how, but I have a copy of the evangelical leader conference call that happened the night Ted Haggard's homosexuality and marital infidelity was exposed. Here's some excerpts:


Ted Haggard: Help me my brothers. I have sinned. Oh, how I've sinned!!

Jerry Falwell: Would you stop blubbering! We've all been there, done that.

Pat Robertson: Just say you only met the guy to buy some coke!

James Dobson: Robertson, would you shut the hell up!

Haggard: Well, I do like coke...

Dobson: What?!

Robertson: No, say it was meth!

Dobson: Robertson, I said zip it!

Tim LaHaye: Can I put this in my next book?

Falwell: Only if you work it so he still gets saved somehow.

LaHaye: No problem!

President Bush: Hey guys, what's going on?

Falwell: George, we said we'll call you. Now go the hell back to sleep!

Bush: Sorry.

Billy Graham: I say you just apologize and hang low.

Jim Swaggart: And tears! Don't forget to show tears!

Oral Roberts: You can hole up in my tower if you want. It's guaranteed cash flow!

Falwell: Oral, are you still alive?

Benny Hinn: Did someone say cash flow?

Dobson: Benny, you bastard, what are you doing on this call?

Haggard: Can I really turn this into some dough?

Several Voices: Oh, Hell yes!

Jim Bakker: And then all the babes come around wanting to "help" you, if you know what I mean...

Falwell: Jim, piss off!

Robertson: Say that a black man made you do it! A black from that latin country place!

Falwell: Pat, I'm gonna kill you.

Dobson: *Sigh* Ted, just go with the meth story, I guess. They'll forgive you for anything so you might as well go with the worst.

Robertson: Hey Dobson, good thing Ted's lover wasn't you! That'd be a double bitch! Hahahahahahahaha...

Falwell: Pat, did you take your friggin' medicine today?

Dobson: I'm going to rip your head off and shit down your throat, Pat! I'm serious!!

Carl Rove: Boys, boys! Settle down!

Several Voices: Sorry, sir.

Tony Perkins: Hey, did you all hear that Doogie Howser is going to come out of the closet?

Falwell: Oh yeah? And how do you know that, Tony?

Perkins: Uh, I just know some people...

Haggard: Really? Doogie?

Dobson: Ted, focus up!

Robertson: DEATH TO DOOGIE! DEATH TO DOOGIE!

Falwell: That's it, Pat! I'm cutting you off! *click*

Graham: Ok, fellas. What's the plan? Apology, lay low, grand show of repentance, then ask for cash?

Dobson: I say apology, lay low, blame it on drugs.

Swaggart: I'm tellin' ya, those tears are pure dollar magnets!

Rush Limbaugh: Blaming it all on drugs works like a charm! Don't forget "drug rehab". You can do it in the Bahamas or anywhere. Blame it all on the stress caused by terrorists.

Falwell: I can't believe you've been silent all this time, Rush!

Several Voices: Hahahahahahahaha!

Graham: Ok. Apology, lay low, blame drugs, repent, then back to the pulpit. Done.

Falwell: Amen.

Dobson: And with renewed heterosexuality.

Graham: Oh, yeah.

Haggard: But...

Falwell: It was the drugs, Ted. The DRUGS!

Gayle Haggard: Wait, I've known for a long time that Ted...

Dobson: THE DRUGS, WE SAID!

Rove: Make it so. End conference.

Several Voices: Yes sir.